shared friend zone

Syllabification: (friend zone)

noun

informal

• a situation in which a friendship exists between two people, one of whom has an unreciprocated romantic or sexual interest in the other.

I landed myself in the friend zone for the first time ever this summer.  It was completely unexpected, not because I feel I'm too awesome or anything (who are we kidding though?), but because my insane fear of rejection ensures that I only acknowledge feelings for those that have already fallen under my spell ::insert winky face here::.

I threw that newly recognized rule out the window earlier this season in an effort to live a bit more fully.  It was terrifying and resulted in a self-inflicted mind fuck as my leap of faith landed me square in the middle of friendship land.  Without Google Maps to guide me, it's been a rough trip home and I sincerely apologize to those I've sent there in the past... but this entry is totally not about that.

I recently reconnected with the object of my unrequited desire and immediately all smittenness returned.  I was again a sad puppy begging for attention and forced together time for us under the guise of tanning by his complex pool for a couple hours yesterday.  Diabolical, I know.

During an unexpected stint as the most stoned person in the history of weed (tanning after getting high is not something I can do apparently), something clicked.  I can't fully explain it as my brain died a little yesterday afternoon, but let me give it an overly wordy try.

Taking a moment to stop the constant questioning of how someone could not want you and allowing yourself to really hone in why it matters to you so much is hard to do, but absolutely possible and necessary.  Being hardly able to talk for a couple hours, I had plenty of time to do just that, and I realized that I wanted him so badly precisely because he doesn't want me... typical, right?

In finally coming to grips with this, I also realized that he is not the right person for me.  Not because he's not awesome and super hot, not because we don't always have an entertaining time and great conversation, but because he's just not.  The fact that he's not fallen for me at this juncture is the only proof I can actually explain, but I'm going with it.  You can't logic these things... or I can't, anyway.

I also realized that this whole experience has brought me a friend, and for that, I can't say this whole effort was a loss.  He taught me some rough shit about myself, and helped to inspire a new "less is more" relationship with alcohol that has led to much awesomeness, and I am truly grateful.  There's a bittersweet taste to the thought of him right now, but I know that'll fade with the summer heat.  I'm willing to wait it out as I really do value his company and don't want to lose what we do have.

Which brings us around to the shared friend zone... or just friendship, if you want to be an ass about it.  It's a fantastic place that I'm lucky to be sharing with so many awesome people, full of laughs and true love without ulterior motives.  I've heard there are some unicorns up in here too, but I've yet to see one.

Yes, "less is more" left the building with a bottle of Cupcake chard this evening.  Don't hate, have laundry to do.