15 years

I've held onto my mother's ashes for fifteen years.  The time was so long not because I couldn't let go, but because I didn't know what to do with them.  I'm going to sound like a self-absorbed asshole, but the fact is, for a long time I really just refused to think about it... and it's true, I was a shithead for a long, long time.

That changed when I got pregnant.  It became direly important that I get her out of the box in the back of my closet and out into the world that she left much too early.  Finding the perfect place was almost too easy, but probably because life would force me to wait another four years before allowing me the time to do so.

This is where a girlfriend (thank you so much) and I spent Saturday afternoon.  

There's a beautiful sense of serenity and magic that emanates from the place as you're wandering around.  She would have absolutely loved it there in life, and I feel in my heart that in whatever form she now is, she knows and approves.

It's impossible to put so many years of emotion and missed moments into words... so I just said goodbye.

Finishing a chapter that's been sitting unfinished and untouched for a decade and a half comes with a host of emotion that I still don't feel capable of describing, so I'm not going to try.

Love you, mommy.