the past never really stays in the past...
This entry has been a while in the making. I've been trying to write the entire thing off as experience in leaving the past in the past, but I just have so many feelings on the matter that I'm having issues actually moving on from this moment. So here it is, the latest baring of my soul.
For those of you that didn't know me at least seven years ago, there was a love before Travis. It wasn't a true love spattered with failings that caused me to leave after seven years... it was one full of trauma and violence that resulted in that folly of my heart going to jail for a small amount of time. This allowed me the freedom to meet Travis and ultimately leave the bastard. We'll call him E.
E stole from, cheated on and mind fucked me for almost three years. The night he went to jail, he stole my car and left me shoeless on a corner downtown. He drove to my brother's condo, which is where we were staying at the time as my grandmother had completely disowned me for taking the fucker back, yet again. He hid in the shower until I arrived home and attacked me as I reached the bathroom to use the toilet. He punched and strangled me until I almost lost consciousness, while I frantically told him I loved him and begged him to stop. I was finally able to lock myself in the bathroom, feet against the door and back to the toilet, where I screamed until one of my neighbors called the police.
It was one of the few times in my life that I've been happy to see the cops... even after they broke down our sliding glass door to get into the condo. Rushing out of the bathroom to see him restrained by a multitude of other men was one of the biggest reliefs I've ever had in my life.
I realized two things while gazing into those green eyes I'd once thought beautiful, as he slowly attempted to choke the life out of me; he's a sociopath and he has no fucking soul.
This is just a short description of our last night together. I see no reason to get into the rest of the blood, scars and separated ribs, because the person I hope reads this already knows a good bit of those stories.
The only good thing that came out of this time was meeting of a friend of his that I took as my own. We'll call her T.
T was one of the few that held my hand through it all. She was one of those that gave up her friendship with him, which I can't say for a lot of those that used to be my closest friends. She has a kind heart and is one of the most loving people I've ever met. It's unfortunate that she decided to fall in love with one such as he, seven years later, but she doesn't at all deserve what's going to happen to her... and the rest of this entry is to her.
He's going to cheat on you, a lot more than he already has. He's going to lie to you, also a lot more than he already has. He's going to sponge off of you and make you feel like you wish you could do more to satisfy his financial needs. He's not going to contribute to your betterment of self, and he will likely be the cause of you having to put your dreams on hold while you bail him out of whatever crisis he's gotten himself into.
Eventually, he's going to hurt you, physically. He's going to make you think that it's entirely your fault. He has the ability to take one grain of truth and spin it until you're the psycho asshole. He will make you take responsibility for your "part" in whatever he does to you... and that will ultimately lead to the crumbling of your last bit of self-preservation.
You have the benefit of knowing his past. No matter how he spins it, it's easy to see through his tales... if you know how to not look at life through your love-tainted heart. You were there, before even me, and you know these things about him. Just because you didn't experience them doesn't mean they didn't happen.
If he'd gone on to lead a successfully loving life after me, I wouldn't bother you about this. But you already know he didn't. You may not have a lot of love for his most recent ex-wife, but the fact remains that so many of her stories mirror my own, and that is a big part of the reason that we've since become friends. What's worse about her stories is that they have a child together and that E's misdeeds have caused pain for him, as well.
I know you probably won't heed these words... I was newly in love with him once and know how it goes. My only hope is that after a rough night, a physical or emotional wounding that makes you think twice, that these reminders may come back to you and give you enough pause to get the fuck out of there.
His step-mom once told me that I was a princess and that I should be treated as such. Those words, along with the love of friends like you, were what gave me the strength to leave him. And they're absolutely true for you. You deserve the world. Stop settling for douchebags.
For those of you that didn't know me at least seven years ago, there was a love before Travis. It wasn't a true love spattered with failings that caused me to leave after seven years... it was one full of trauma and violence that resulted in that folly of my heart going to jail for a small amount of time. This allowed me the freedom to meet Travis and ultimately leave the bastard. We'll call him E.
E stole from, cheated on and mind fucked me for almost three years. The night he went to jail, he stole my car and left me shoeless on a corner downtown. He drove to my brother's condo, which is where we were staying at the time as my grandmother had completely disowned me for taking the fucker back, yet again. He hid in the shower until I arrived home and attacked me as I reached the bathroom to use the toilet. He punched and strangled me until I almost lost consciousness, while I frantically told him I loved him and begged him to stop. I was finally able to lock myself in the bathroom, feet against the door and back to the toilet, where I screamed until one of my neighbors called the police.
It was one of the few times in my life that I've been happy to see the cops... even after they broke down our sliding glass door to get into the condo. Rushing out of the bathroom to see him restrained by a multitude of other men was one of the biggest reliefs I've ever had in my life.
I realized two things while gazing into those green eyes I'd once thought beautiful, as he slowly attempted to choke the life out of me; he's a sociopath and he has no fucking soul.
This is just a short description of our last night together. I see no reason to get into the rest of the blood, scars and separated ribs, because the person I hope reads this already knows a good bit of those stories.
The only good thing that came out of this time was meeting of a friend of his that I took as my own. We'll call her T.
T was one of the few that held my hand through it all. She was one of those that gave up her friendship with him, which I can't say for a lot of those that used to be my closest friends. She has a kind heart and is one of the most loving people I've ever met. It's unfortunate that she decided to fall in love with one such as he, seven years later, but she doesn't at all deserve what's going to happen to her... and the rest of this entry is to her.
He's going to cheat on you, a lot more than he already has. He's going to lie to you, also a lot more than he already has. He's going to sponge off of you and make you feel like you wish you could do more to satisfy his financial needs. He's not going to contribute to your betterment of self, and he will likely be the cause of you having to put your dreams on hold while you bail him out of whatever crisis he's gotten himself into.
Eventually, he's going to hurt you, physically. He's going to make you think that it's entirely your fault. He has the ability to take one grain of truth and spin it until you're the psycho asshole. He will make you take responsibility for your "part" in whatever he does to you... and that will ultimately lead to the crumbling of your last bit of self-preservation.
You have the benefit of knowing his past. No matter how he spins it, it's easy to see through his tales... if you know how to not look at life through your love-tainted heart. You were there, before even me, and you know these things about him. Just because you didn't experience them doesn't mean they didn't happen.
If he'd gone on to lead a successfully loving life after me, I wouldn't bother you about this. But you already know he didn't. You may not have a lot of love for his most recent ex-wife, but the fact remains that so many of her stories mirror my own, and that is a big part of the reason that we've since become friends. What's worse about her stories is that they have a child together and that E's misdeeds have caused pain for him, as well.
I know you probably won't heed these words... I was newly in love with him once and know how it goes. My only hope is that after a rough night, a physical or emotional wounding that makes you think twice, that these reminders may come back to you and give you enough pause to get the fuck out of there.
His step-mom once told me that I was a princess and that I should be treated as such. Those words, along with the love of friends like you, were what gave me the strength to leave him. And they're absolutely true for you. You deserve the world. Stop settling for douchebags.
Comments
Post a Comment