alphabet pony - atoms

I've been listening to this song for weeks now.  There's a feeling it brings to the forefront of my permanently, emotional retardedness that is so reminiscent of my youth... but also of a lot of the time I spent with Travis.  I'm literally obsessed at this point and listen to it at least once a day.

The simplicity of this song is probably what brings my younger self to mind.  The few lyrics remind me so much of my most cherished former relationship.

And if you should call,
It's no trouble, no trouble, at all
I'll paint out the sun
Where we begun, again

I'm here once again
And I'm dealing, I'm feeling the pain
So who takes the fall
Covers it all, again

What these words personally mean to me... well, that's hard to describe.  The last portion of those lyrics, the "who takes the fall", etc. is very much an argument Travis and I had pretty often.  When we get back together, who's going to be the asshole?  When we get back together, who's going to be the one that takes the blame for ruining it all the last go-round?  Who's the bad guy?  Who is at fault?  Inevitably, Travis always got that role, regardless of how he felt about it.

He saved me from something so awful once, and I will never, ever forget that or the gratitude that I still hold deep within my heart.  He gave me the most precious gift anyone can give in our little Lucas.  He gave me a lot of happy years, mixed in with a lot of stupid bullshit... but it was worth it.  I just wish that being with him didn't mean giving up so much of what life has to offer... and ultimately, giving up all that I want to be and do.

Leaving the person you knew was your soulmate for so many years is rough.  I really don't suggest any of you try it.