i am jack's broken heart
This is the year for loss it seems, and this seems a better place than most to get it all out. Please bear with me... I might get back to blogging on a regular basis if this keeps up.
To Nat
I first met you in an AOL chat room in the mid-90's, like so many that I hold so dear to this day. As an absolutely insecure teen, for a time, I was jealous of you. I was jealous of your authenticity... your sense of self... your absolute realness.
As I got to know you, I envied you, for those reasons listed above and so much more. You were a genuinely good person, no selfish bones about you, and so creative. So selfless and so absolutely you.
Eventually, you were just my friend... but I never stopped admiring you. You are who I wanted to be when I grew up, because it always felt like you were already grown up. It's funny that you were the young one.
You never seemed to lose that self, while I watched so many of our friends and peers (and I, myself) lose themselves to so many stupid things. Your soul was so much older than your actual years... you oozed wise and bold and good.
We lost touch for many years. I was fucked up for a long time, and, eventually, so were you. Reconnecting with you on Facebook held so many promises of the friendship I missed so. The times when you were able, you always had something witty or nice or wizened to post to me. And I'm glad we got that, as spotted and sometimes superficial as it all was. I'm glad we could resemble something of who we once were.
I know life was hard. And sometimes, when life gets hard, you can't really come back to the land of the living. I am so sorry that the world beat you down. But I hope, wherever you are, that you know that this world did not deserve you... that you were always too good for this place... always too real, and authentic, and you.
You are loved. You will be missed, but you left this world a better place, through your children and all of the people that you touched. And now it is time for you to rest.
Rest.
To those still reading, if you have a friend that is suffering, whether it be drug/alcohol abuse, emotional/mental health issues, homelessness, or anything really, reach out to them. You may not be able to save them, that is truly something that is left on their own shoulders, but you can at least be there... and not be me, wishing I'd gotten more conversations, more witty comments, more sarcasm, more Nat.
To Nat
I first met you in an AOL chat room in the mid-90's, like so many that I hold so dear to this day. As an absolutely insecure teen, for a time, I was jealous of you. I was jealous of your authenticity... your sense of self... your absolute realness.
As I got to know you, I envied you, for those reasons listed above and so much more. You were a genuinely good person, no selfish bones about you, and so creative. So selfless and so absolutely you.
Eventually, you were just my friend... but I never stopped admiring you. You are who I wanted to be when I grew up, because it always felt like you were already grown up. It's funny that you were the young one.
You never seemed to lose that self, while I watched so many of our friends and peers (and I, myself) lose themselves to so many stupid things. Your soul was so much older than your actual years... you oozed wise and bold and good.
We lost touch for many years. I was fucked up for a long time, and, eventually, so were you. Reconnecting with you on Facebook held so many promises of the friendship I missed so. The times when you were able, you always had something witty or nice or wizened to post to me. And I'm glad we got that, as spotted and sometimes superficial as it all was. I'm glad we could resemble something of who we once were.
I know life was hard. And sometimes, when life gets hard, you can't really come back to the land of the living. I am so sorry that the world beat you down. But I hope, wherever you are, that you know that this world did not deserve you... that you were always too good for this place... always too real, and authentic, and you.
You are loved. You will be missed, but you left this world a better place, through your children and all of the people that you touched. And now it is time for you to rest.
Rest.
To those still reading, if you have a friend that is suffering, whether it be drug/alcohol abuse, emotional/mental health issues, homelessness, or anything really, reach out to them. You may not be able to save them, that is truly something that is left on their own shoulders, but you can at least be there... and not be me, wishing I'd gotten more conversations, more witty comments, more sarcasm, more Nat.
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