dear skylar

It's been something like two months since I first encountered you on... I can't even remember which dating site now.  Not at all meeting the requirements for attraction, you seemed pretty funny and I'm definitely not one to turn down the possibility of laughs, so I agreed to meet you after a night out with friends wound down.

 

I forgive you not being funny, at all...  I forgive you those awful suspenders, horribly red shirt and impossibly tight white pants.  I forgive you the hipster glasses and stupid facial hair.  I even forgive your gingerness because that's really not your fault...

 

What I don't forgive is the following:

 

* touching/poking me - We're way out of high school, so I find this form of flirting annoying, at best.  I don't fucking know you, so keep your dirty mitts off me.

 

* arriving at last fucking call - I understand late, but that late?  You didn't even offer to grab my cider, even though I'd waited, by myself, for like an hour and a half.  I have no problem getting my own booze, but come the fuck on.

 

* trying to worm your way into an invite to my home - Again, don't fucking know you and if you couldn't tell, our five minute hangout did not impress my pants off.  The text I received on my way home stating "next time you should invite me over missy" didn't do more than reinforce that there would be no next time.

 

I don't know what world you live in, but in the one I currently reside, these things are not OK and the sign of a highly unsuccessful meet up with a fucking weirdo.  The fact that you still text me weekly in an attempt to hang out really fucking irks me.  I haven't responded since before I actually met you, so you'd think you'd have gotten the hint at this point.

 

At the time of this post, Easter was the last time I heard from you, so maybe you've moved onto creeping on someone new.  I sincerely hope so.  I hope they're as impossibly annoying as you are and that you make horribly hipster babies together.  Suspenders and non-prescription glasses are actually cute on those that can't dress themselves.

 

Anyway, please stay the fuck away.  It's not often I meet someone that makes me think that life as an old dog lady really wouldn't be so bad.  I guess thank you for that?

 

Signed,
Seriously deleted all of her dating site accounts... Good job.